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Watching the Ashes at work, did you know it can boost your productivity?

Your mate Joe Fortune brings you something groundbreaking, something society has been crying out for, something that might just save the modern workforce, A survival guide to secretly watching the Ashes at work and why it makes you MORE productive. Yes, you read that right. More. Productive.

Because according to research (Joe Fortune Research Institute) watching the Ashes during work hours doesn’t just boost morale it sharpens focus, improves reaction time, strengthens camaraderie, and raises national spirit to dangerously heroic levels. It might even help you close deals, send emails faster, fix drains, repair cars, and use the office printer without breaking it.

So, with 7.5 glorious hours of Ashes cricket happening smack-bang during the traditional Aussie 9-to-5, consider this your official, fully scientific, completely legitimate guide to staying across every ball… without getting sacked. Strap in. This is peak Aussie ingenuity from me, Dr Joe!

THE DEFINITIVE ASHES-AT-WORK SURVIVAL GUIDE

A red cricket ball wearing large green and black headphones with a coiled green audio cable, against a dark background with a yellow arch shape behind it.

1. The Headphones Trick

Put on your biggest, chunkiest noise-cancelling headphones. Slam them over your ears like you’re preparing for re-entry from space. Everyone will assume you’re tackling something enormous such as spreadsheets, budgets, coding, philosophy, who knows. Meanwhile, you’re listening to the dulcet tones of the commentary team describing Travis Head carving someone through point. Bonus tip: occasionally narrow your eyes and nod thoughtfully. Looks very productive.

2. The Tab Disguise

No one questions a tab with graphs. Especially moving graphs. Simply have one spreadsheet open and another tab behind it streaming the cricket. When danger approaches, hit ALT+TAB so fast you should get a Baggy Green for reflexes alone. If someone does catch a glimpse of the scorecard? “Oh that? Just monitoring quarterly KPIs.” Cricket scoreboards look exactly like KPIs. Coincidence? I think not.

3. The Bathroom Break Every 40 Minutes

Test cricket has a natural rhythm. So should your bladder.
Every session = two-bathroom trips
Every wicket = one bathroom trip
Every boundary = optional celebratory bathroom trip
Your coworkers will simply assume you’re “hydrated” or “health conscious.”
Meanwhile you’re in the cubicle with your phone propped against the toilet paper dispenser like it’s a mini sports bar.

A 3D illustration of a red medicine bottle with pills spilling out, a box of tissues, and a green and yellow stethoscope, shown against a bright green and yellow background.

4. The Classic Sickie

Ah yes, our national pastime: the highly moral, deeply spiritual, fully cultural sickie! You should be selective when you use this one, for the Ashes, it must be executed with finesse.
You can’t go too big, no fake vomiting noises or Oscar-winning coughs.
You need subtlety and here are my top believable options:

“Bit of a throat thing.”
“Head feels fuzzy.”
“Dodgy chicken Parmi.”
“I’m not sick, but my partner’s sick and I’m supporting.”

Pro tip: never post on Instagram or TikTok that same day unless it’s a picture of tea and a blanket.

5. The “Team Building Initiative” Strategy

Declare that watching part of the Ashes is actually…for workplace culture, especially as we’re trying to beat the Poms! Everyone loves workplace culture, not least HR. Say things like: “I read a study that cricket boosts team cohesion.” Or “A national sporting event improves productivity by 22%.” If anyone asks what study just say “Oh, I’ll send it around later it was written by the mighty Dr Joe Fortune!”

6. The Sneaky Stream in the Corner of the Screen

This one is for the brave and is a good one for those on a construction site. Shrink the cricket stream into a tiny window and place it in the least eye-catching part of your screen, usually top-right, then claim you’re getting details from head office. From afar, it might look like a calendar reminder. Close up, it’s Mitchell Starc sending a stump cartwheeling into orbit. Multitasking at its finest.

A 3D illustration of an open laptop showing a cricket stadium on the screen, with colourful spectators and the field visible, against a bright yellow and green background.

7. The Laptop Angle of Secrecy

Tilt your screen down so low it looks like you’re trying to read your future in it.
No one else can see what’s on it, but you still can. Combine this with a thoughtful frown and you’ll look like you’re solving an engineering problem. You’re watching Lyon roll a bail for good luck.

8. The “Accidentally on Purpose” Meeting Scheduling Trick

Schedule a “strategy meeting” during the most important Ashes session. Book a quiet conference room. Invite no one. Attend diligently. Emerging an hour later refreshed, informed and spiritually fulfilled.

9. The “I’m Testing the Wi-Fi” Ruse

Walk around the office slowly with your phone raised slightly, frowning at it, muttering things like: “Huh. Interesting.” Everyone thinks you’re checking the Wi-Fi strength.

You’re actually checking if Labuschagne has survived the new-ball spell and has started to whack the English bowlers all round the ground!

A yellow teapot with steam rising, beside two striped yellow and white teacups on saucers, against a dark background with a green arch shape behind them.

10. The Tea Run Excuse

Offer to make tea for the whole office and buy a round of coffees but only during drinks breaks.

Everyone will think you’re generous. Really, you’re synchronising your movement with the match like some kind of caffeinated cricket ninja.

11. The Official Document Disguise

Print out the scorecard and highlight things occasionally.
People assume it’s a report. Little do they know you’re analysing whether Smith’s strike rate is sustainable or how we can get Joe Root out!

12. The “Out-of-Office but In-the-Office” Manoeuvre

Put your headphones on, lower your head and march through the office carrying a folder.
Move with purpose. Always purpose. Everyone will assume you’re off to solve an urgent problem. Really, you’re off to a quiet corner to watch the last over before lunch.

Final Thoughts

Watching the Ashes at work isn’t a distraction. It’s a lifestyle. A cultural obligation. A productivity tool endorsed by at least one Australian bloke named Joe. Because when us Aussies are happy, we work better. And nothing makes us happier than cricket drama unfolding live while we pretend to fill out timesheets and email our suppliers. The next time someone suggests that watching cricket at work is “unprofessional,” just hit them with this “Mate… I’m not slacking off. I’m boosting productivity.” So, there you go legends may your streams never lag, your bosses never sneak up behind you and may fortune always favour your excuses. I’ve got you covered this summer to never miss a single ball.